Thoughts On The Dead

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Lamer Gate

I tried to find out what the fuck Gamergate was, so I read an article and contained therein was the phrase “…used to be a powerful Reddit mod…” and I had to go to my kitchen and blow my brains out with a machine gun for ten or fifteen minutes.

Everyone needs to go to the park.

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Bobbing In the Water

Billy found communion, peace, beauty, meaning, everything in the ocean. He wasn’t a religious man, but Billy had found something to worship. Bobby liked bothering fish.

Bobbing In the Water

Billy found communion, peace, beauty, meaning, everything in the ocean. He wasn’t a religious man, but Billy had found something to worship. Bobby liked bothering fish.

Stairway To Seven

Clockwise from top: This version of Billy—the Dickpunching Caballero— was short-packed and snatched up by collectors upon hitting the shelves.

Stairway To Seven

Clockwise from top: This version of Billy—the Dickpunching Caballero— was short-packed and snatched up by collectors upon hitting the shelves.

Here’s A (Greatest) Story

Cousin Oliver had been killed and eaten upon arrival. The collectively blase reaction to this impulsive act of incestuous cannibalism was the most disturbing thing about it, to be frank.

Here’s A (Greatest) Story

Cousin Oliver had been killed and eaten upon arrival. The collectively blase reaction to this impulsive act of incestuous cannibalism was the most disturbing thing about it, to be frank.

Funky Donkey

Before every tour, Billy would kiss his mother, shake hands with his father, and make the long walk to the village where he would sell the family donkey to get zlatys for the train. None of his wives understood this ritual.

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The “E” Is For Epidemic

The “E” Is For Epidemic

Harper Leebola only killed one person, but did it with such economy and grace that schoolchildren still read it and celebrities name children after it.

ZZbola has a beard or is named Beard (but does not have a beard.)

Threebola is a great name for a punt returner from Auburn: Threebola Jackson IV.

Kneebola is connected to your shinbola.

MisterTeebola causes you to pity fools. Also, liquefies…

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Two Birds

TotD fully supports Breast Cancer Awareness, as celebrated in October, and Bullying Awareness, which we discuss in November.

What does upset me is that no one is speaking about the growing problem of breast cancer bullies: women who, while suffering bravely through a terrible ordeal, also stuff people in lockers and gave one kid a swirly.

These women do not exist and you must stop talking.

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The (Criminally) Firm

If you’re defending a friend and you use the phrase “…at least it wasn’t 10-year-old boys,” then you need to rethink either your relationship or your arguing skills.

(It does not matter whether you emphasize “ten-year-old” or “boys” in that excuse.)

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If You Can’t Be An Athlete…

If You Can’t Be An Athlete…

phil bobby flannery nat anthem

Everyone told Bobby that it was unnecessary, but he showered with the players anyway.

OR

Hair, Weir, Nair.

OR

Phil took his eyes off Bobby for just a second and Bobby stole a full tray from a beer vendor and poured most of it down his gullet in one greedy glub and then he picked a fight with the Batboy and Billy, who had been snorkeling in McCovey Cove looking for a harbor seal named Rudy who…

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